A Blue Jay Fan’s Unbiased MLB Predictions

Okay, I’m a Blue Jay fan. I’m not going to lie about it. I’m proud of it. I was proud of it when we were the epitome of mediocrity and I’m proud of it now that we’re the reigning AL East champines. So people automatically assume I’m going to be a homer with my MLB Predictions. Listen here, pal. I’m a blogger. Which is like the highest form of journalist you can achieve. So without further ado, here are my predictions for the 2016 MLB Season!

REGULAR SEASON

AL EAST – BLUE JAYS
Toronto Blue Jays run away with the division. I’ll conservatively say their record will be something in the area of 128-34.

AL CENTRAL – TWINS
I think the Cleveland Indians might win this division, but I can’t pick them because I hate their racist name and logo. I can’t pick the Royals because of the distaste they left in my mouth from being slightly better than my Jays last year. So I’m going with the Minnesota Twins! They surprised you last year and they’ll surprise again this year. Never under-estimate Paul Molitor.

AL WEST – ASTROS
That pitching and that young core of players learned a lot last year. I think it’ll do wonders for them this year. The Houston Astros are no longer the Philadelphia 76ers of the MLB.

AL WILDCARDS – RED SOX & ROYALS
No one understands how this works. It’s exciting though!

NL EAST – NATIONALS?
No one in this division is that good. Nationals look great every year then start under-achieving around the first week of May. Disappointing. I hope Bryce Harper finds a good team to play for. And don’t tell me Dusty Baker is going to make a difference. Lest we forget, he’s the one that bought Steve Bartman his tix to that playoff game. That’s right, not many people know that, but Dusty and Steve went to the same Church and were both members of the Knights of Columbus. Look it up. Don’t forget, I’m a real journalist. So I think the ’93 Blue Jays use a time machine and a host of shenanigans I’ve detailed here to become the 2016 NL East Champions.

NL CENTRAL – CUBS
Because everyone says so. Chicago Cubs are this year’s team! Nothing like all the pressure in the world to help undo a 433 year old curse.

NL WEST – GIANTS?
It’s an even year so I guess Bruce Bochi will probably show up this year. Unfortunately for him, the Blue Jays’ Triple-A affiliate the Buffalo Bisons are going to be so good that the MLB will have no choice but to let them play in the NL West. There’s actually a plausible way for this to happen. Read this document here!

NL WILDCARDS – PIRATES & TORONTO FC
Even more confusing in the National League because there’s no DH.

REGO SEASON AWARDS

AL MVP – Jose Bautista
He will bat flip his way through an awesome season. Shapiro and Atkins will have no choice but to #PAYTHEMAN!

NL MVP – ’93 Paul Molitor
He’s even better when he’s traveling through time! Deal with it Goldschmidt. If that’s even your real name.

AL CY YOUNG – Marcus Stroman
This one isn’t even a joke. This kid is for real. Got the 6 on his back!

NL CY YOUNG – ’93 Juan Guzman
He was my fave Blue Jay that year. Juan, if you read this, I love you!!!

PLAYOFFS

AL WILDCARD GAME – RED SOX over ROYALS
David Price comes through. Saving his first & last post-season win for the Red Sox.

NL WILDCARD GAME – PIRATES over TORONTO FC
Partially because McCutchen is a beast. Mostly because Toronto FC is a soccer team.

ALDS – BLUE JAYS over RED SOX & ASTROS over TWINS
I love my friends from Boston, but I love my Blue Jays more. Suck it, friends.

NLDS – ’93 BLUE JAYS over PIRATES & CUBS over BUFFALO BISONS
No one watches the National League. Why is a pitcher batting?! A pitcher can’t pitch to a pitcher! The universe will fold in on itself!

ALCS – BLUE JAYS over ASTROS
It’s a seven game series, but the Jays win it in three because the Astros lose them all so badly that Shoeless Joe Jackson comes out of a corn field and turns the whole Houston team into ghosts and takes them to purgatory where they’re all eaten by a Smoke Monster who lives with a polar bear in a bunker with an old-timey hatch.

NLCS – ’93 BLUE JAYS over CUBS
Joe Carter hits the series ending home run off of Mitch Williams who the Cubs picked up off the waiver wire late in August. Smooth move, Maddon.

WORLD SERIES – BLUE JAYS over ’93 BLUE JAYS
So here we are. This series turns out to be so compelling that the MLB makes it a best of 37! The Blue Jays of today prevail over the Blue Jays of yesteryear on Christmas morning with a game that goes down as the greatest (and probably only) game 37 in World Series history! Edwin Encarnacion is named MVP after hitting 14 home runs and knocking in 42 RBIs. Both World Series records! Oh man. I’ll never forget this year!

There you have it! A completely unbiased look at the upcoming season. Go Jays!

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