Review – Cock-A-Doodle Don’t (“Blockers”)

The advertisements for this film depict a rooster along side the word “blockers”, so you can pretty much guess the REAL title of the movie was supposed to be C**k Blockers, but that FULL title ain’t gonna work on a movie poster, now is it?
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Ripping-off other (better) movies like Porky’s, American Pie, and Superbad, this oh-so familiar plot gets a gender swap; horny teenage girls instead of horny teenage guys who want nothing more than to lose their virginity. And, not surprisingly, their respective guy dates have no problems with that! Naturally, all this planning goes sideways for this trio of BFF’s thanks to their interfering parents.

The unofficial leader of this sex-pact is golden-haired princess Julie Decker (Kathryn Newton) whose nervous single mom, Lisa (Leslie Mann), is scared of ’empty-nest syndrome’, since Julie’s going to be leaving for UCLA. But Lisa’s nothing compared to Mitchell (John Cena), the waaaaay over-protective and sensitive father of trash-talking super-jock, Kayla (Geraldine Viswanathan), who must know Stifler from American Pie for all her crassness. Rounding out this kitty klan is Sam (Gideon Adlon), a closeted gay girl who would rather nail the cosplaying Angelica (Ramona Young) than her weird pork-pie hat wearing date, Chad (Jimmy Bellinger).

As the film’s loose cannon (’cause you need one, right?) is Sam’s estranged and obnoxious loud-mouth dad, Hunter (Ike Barinholtz). After a sneak-peek at Julie’s open laptop, the three parents figure out their respective kids are planning that triple dirty-deed and by God, they’re gonna put a stop to it! So, while the parents are busy crashing the prom, the girls (and their boy-toys) take off for a major house party, only to have the parents go after them in hot pursuit. But parties and the police don’t mix, so the kids drive to a huge Chicago hotel for yet another prom party and some private hotel room time.

Meanwhile, those wacky, bickering parents are not having a good night as they are facing insurmountable problems in getting to their children to stop them, including the requisite car chases, mistaken identity hijinks, and a teens vs adults beer chugging contest. Oh, yes, there’s also a vomit-fest, dick jokes (with some real penis’, no less), and a really dumb ending that makes NO sense whatsoever.

This is Brian & Jim Kehoe’s second only screenplay (their first being the never-seen Overachievers) and you can tell they mimicked alot of the other movies to write this one. The basic plot isn’t fresh and the characters are mostly clichéd, two-dimensional, and they move along at a medium pace, stopping only for those “heart-felt moments” that are about as forced as the comedy. While the premise of three horny girls talkin’ smack and jonesing for womanhood is intriguing and would make for a funny film, this movie ain’t it. There are some scattered glimpses of a possible great comedic film here and there, but then disaster strikes with bad jokes and overacting.

Manly beefcake John Cena (the poor man’s Dwayne Johnson) does an adequate job here, but his character is out of place. Why make him a dweeb when you could have made him a crazed, gung-ho Schwarzenegger-type? That would have been funnier and mined better comedy gold! Barinholtz tries to be an oddball comedy relief, but only succeeds half the time, while Mann is the only one that knows what she’s doing. Kay Cannon, in her directorial debut here (she’s only done TV), shows an uneven transition from directing TV series like New Girl to the silver screen, where bigger is better.

As far as the teens are concerned, the movie should have focused more on them, rather than the parents, as they were far more interesting. Newton shines as the organizer of the pact and goes nicely toe-to-toe with Mann, while feisty and foul-mouthed Viswanathan (a newbie to acting) shows great talent and presence. Along with her date, the equally wonderful Miles Robbins, together they posses terrific chemistry. Sure, there are funnier, better made teenage sex comedies out there, but at least this one has a modicum of humor and some fine acting skills to keep you from falling asleep.

Porky’s (1981)

Teen sex comedies are a dime a dozen, ranging from the worst (Hot Dog: The Movie) to the best (American Pie) but this particular film set the gold standard back in the wacky 80’s when teenagers and their lusty pursuit of losing their virginity where all the rage.

Welcome to 1954 Florida and the very horny guys of Angel Beach High School where, surrounded by adults who warn them of the vices of promiscuity, these kids openly yearn to bang anything female within target range. Of the group of guys that hangs out the most, the brunt of most of their jokes is aimed at short Edward “Pee-Wee” Morris (Dan Monahan), whose sexual foil is the beautiful tease, Wendy Williams (Kaki Hunter). Almost like Shakespeare’s Beatrice and Benedick; a playful war of words with each other with an underlying sexual tension.

There’s also massive football jock Anthony “Meat” Tuperello (Tony Ganios), Tommy Turner (Wyatt Knight), hothead Mickey Jarvis (Roger Wilson), and impulsive Billy McCarty (Mark Herrier). While these guys are being naughty (like drilling holes in the girls shower stalls to catch a peek), they have to contend with the meanest women alive, Coach Beulah Balbricker (Nancy Parsons) who lives for catching any of the in the act! A side plot has new employee, Coach Roy Brackett (Boyd Gaines) desperately trying to get girls coach, Miss Lynn “Lassie” Honeywell (Kim Cattrall) alone in the stinky boys laundry room.

Throughout all the virginity-losing shenanigans and hijinks, the main story boils down to guys trying to get laid at Porky’s, an X-rated nightclub & brothel on the bayou shores run by the ruthless Porky Wallace, (Chuck Mitchell), 300 pounds of pure nastiness. With Porky’s corrupt sheriff brother (Alex Karras) at his side, the boys are unceremoniously kicked out, beaten up, and their money stolen. What else is there left to do but. . . seek revenge!

Although this film is supposed to be about American high school kids, the entire movie was shot & produced in Canada. It’s funny that writer/director Bob Clark, who gave us the lovable perennial Holiday movie, A Christmas Story, also wrote and directed this outrageous R-rated raunch-fest. All the actors were unknown (at the time) and cinematographer Reginald Morris made it look like an old-time 50’s movie, giving the film a certain quality not seen before in 80’s comedies at that time. It’s funny, silly, filled with ribald jokes and scatological pokes at humor (naked people and partial penis popping out), and even some real human drama thrown in to show that this movie is more than the sum total of its parts.

Sadly, as with the success that a film brings, comes the inevitable sucky sequels afterwards. Porky’s spawned three sequels, Porky’s II: The Next Day, Porky’s Revenge!, and a VOD movie, Porky’s Pimpin’ Pee Wee. Ugh!! Needless to say, they bombed at the box office, even though Bob Clark wrote & directed the first sequel.

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