Rant – Hollywood Remakes Itself… Again

In the movie All That Jazz, there’s a song that states that “everything old is new again”, and in Hollywood, practically every old movie is either being remade, rebooted, or re-imagined. Why? Because, after what looks like nearly a hundred years worth of scripts and screenplays, Hollywood’s finally run out of ideas! My college teacher once told me that there are only seven plots in writing: Overcoming the Monster, Rags to Riches, The Quest, Voyage and Return (i.e. Fish out of Water), Rebirth, Comedic, and Tragedy, so you see why taking a used story and retelling it is so appealing… and so easy! We’ve already seen Death Wish, Jumanji, Ghostbusters, Beauty & The Beast, The Mummy, Spider-Man, and Planet of the Apes, but it’s not stopping there, not by a long shot! There’s at least 126 remakes coming! Here’s a short list of some of them. God help us all!

Disney’s Aladdin

With the huge amounts of $$$ that both live-versions of The Jungle Book and Beauty & The Beast brought in, the House of Mouse is on-board to do the same to practically every animated feature film in their library, and they’ve got tons of them! Guy Ritchie will direct this live-action remake with Mena Massoud as Aladdin and Naomi Scott as Princess Jasmine. Will Smith will play the motor-mouthed Genie, and Marwan Kenzari the villainous Jafar. BTW: Look for live-action remakes coming soon of The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Mulan, and many others

An American Werewolf in London

As idiotic as it sounds, Max Landis is penning a remake of his own fathers terrific horror comedy! What, dad’s movie wasn’t good enough for you? John Landis directed the brilliant 1981 movie, but I guess Max thinks he can one-up his old man. It’s being produced by David Albert and Robert Kirkman of The Walking Dead with Universal Pictures. John used ALL practical effects in his chilling werewolf transformation, but you KNOW that Max will use CGI instead.

Big Trouble in Little China

What list would be complete without a movie starring The Rock in it, right? John Carpenter’s 1986 blockbuster hit gets remade (WHY??) with Dwayne Johnson filling in as the swaggering Jack Burton character, so perfectly played by Kurt Russell. Written by Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz (Thor), it’s being reported that Johnson wants Carpenter on- board as producer.

The Birds

Yep, the Alfred Hitchcock classic. This one is will be overseen by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes company, with Bay himself as one of the producers. Expect kamikaze and exploding seagulls that transform into trucks!

Charlie’s Angels

This one’s a real head-scratcher. We just had the last one in 2003 (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle), but Sony wants a NEW set of female young’uns for their trio of female ass-kickers. I guess Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, and Cameron Diaz are too old? Sheesh!! Damn millennials!


Looks like John Landis can’t catch a break these days; another script of his is being remade! His original 1985 Clue film was a delightful comedy farce, but THIS time around, 20th Century Fox wants to “expand the narrative to a global stage”. Uh-oh.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

This one REALLY aggravates me. The hilarious 1988 classic with Steve Martin, Glen Headly, and Michael Caine being remade with (try not to choke) Rebel Wilson and Anne Hathaway? Ickk! It’s a REALLY a bad sign when the studios recently renamed it Nasty Women.

The Fly

This one bugs me. How are you gonna top David Cronenberg’s 1986 masterpiece? JD Dillard (Sleight) is going to direct and co-write (along with Alex Theurer) the remake. Look for CG fly effects galore instead of the grisly practical effects used in the original one.

The Green Hornet

Still trying to forget that awful 2011 Seth Rogen comedy/action version? I am. Hopefully THIS attempt will be better with director Gavin O’Connor (The Accountant) wanting a grittier version from first-time screenwriter Sean O’Keefe.

Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen

This has disaster written all over it. NO Guillermo delToro as director, NO Ron Perlman as Hellboy, and it’s got an R-rated script! Directed by Neil Marshall (The Descent), and actor David Harbour from Stranger Things, the script is by Andrew Cosby, Christopher Golden, and Hellboy creator Mike Mignola. Tank, tank, tank.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

In the 97th remake (well, that’s what it feels like) of the movie over at Warner Bros, screenwriter David Leslie Johnson (The Conjuring) will attempt the impossible: actually writing a script based on many, many other scripts and make it entertaining. Hey, good luck there, buddy!

The Invisible Man

Looks like Universal Studios’ Dark Universe might continue (I guess The Mummy didn’t kill it after all) with chameleon actor Johnny Depp as the title character. No word if this movie and the remake of The Creature of the Black Lagoon, which they’re also doing, will be tied into their monster-based cinematic universe.

The Seven Samurai

Another classic gets sliced ‘n’ diced with a remake that itself has been remade countless times. The worst offense? Rob Letterman, the director of Gulliver’s TravelsGoosebumps, and Monsters vs Aliens is at the helm. OMG. Can you hear that sound? That’s Akira Kurosawa spinning in his grave.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s