Well, it’s that time of year again – actually, that “time of year” seems to have been moved up to mid-October – when we are inundated with some of the most sappy and/or annoying musical performances ever committed to vinyl/tape/digital media. If you listen to radio (what’s that?), watch television, or surf the web, you probably can’t avoid hearing at least a portion of these monstrosities. Here they are, Christmas versions of nails on a chalkboard (what’s that?):
10. All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (1944)
No, it isn’t. Seeing as how this was written during World War II, perhaps wanting world peace or Hitler’s death or maybe daddy home safely might have been a better Christmas request.
9. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (1952)
What he doesn’t tell you is that Daddy was out of town on a business trip.
8. Santa Claus is Coming To Town (1934)
While the original offered the first concrete evidence that Santa is actually a stalker and is the definitive source of the damaging belief that real men shouldn’t cry, the Springsteen version is particularly annoying as I think it’s a record of the exact moment when he began to lose his cred. And I’m from New Jersey.
7. Last Christmas (1984)
“Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it away.” – That’s what you get when you give it away in a public restroom.
6. Santa Baby (1953)
If there’s anything more annoying than Eartha Kitt’s version of this song, it’s Madonna doing an impression of Eartha Kitt channelling Betty Boop.
5. Anything by the Barking Dogs or Jingle Cats (2005/2004)
Anyone who knows me, knows I love animals. But I swear, I’d run these dogs over in a millisecond and I have a burlap bag just waiting for those damn Jingle Cats.
4. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (1984)
Apparently, the creator of this tune actually lives somewhere near me. That’s kind of like finding out your neighbor is a mobster in the Witness Protection Program.
3. Do They Know It’s Christmas (1984)
“And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom” – Such a lovely holiday sentiment. Remember when pop stars decided the best way to save the world was to buy their record? Well, they’re at it again. Apparently, U2, Duran Duran and Kool and the Gang failed to save Africa the last time, so they’re trying again with a 30th Anniversary, updated version of this crappy song. Now each century has the distinction of having their own sucky version.
2. Santa Claus Has Got the Aids (1985)
I don’t even know where to begin with this one.
1. Wonderful Christmastime (1979)
How bad is this song? Look at what came in second!
At this time of year, in a troubled world where political differences, religious extremism and racial unrest threaten to tear our world apart, came we all come together as human beings and agree that everything Paul McCartney has done since Band on the Run really, really sucks?
Well, there you have it. Have I missed any?