All right! That was the best first round in the history of the NBA playoffs. Check that, the history of playoffs! That includes every sport. Even Jai Alai. All that said, I did okay with my picks. Four out of eight. Right down the middle. Not bad for a system based on stupidity.
Okay, let’s take a look at Round 2. I think this round will pale in comparison to the last round. Which is strange, but I think we’re in for a boring set of games. Then Round 3 might be fun again and then the Finals should be pretty good.
For those who are unfamiliar with the game, I make my picks based solely on the team’s nicknames. For example, if the Milwaukee Bucks were playing the New York Knickerbockers, I would make my pick based on a fight between a giant deer and a Manhattan aristocrat. Round 2!!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. INDIANA PACERS vs. 5. WASHINGTON WIZARDS
MY REASONING: So we’ve established that a pacer is a horse that is unwilling to run very fast. They like a nice easy pace, whereas a wizard is a magical human who has found a way to skirt the rules of physics. To make this a little more interesting, let’s say that the wizard has to take on twelve pacers by himself. And let’s say the wizard’s wand is stuck in his pocket. And let’s say the pacers are charging really fast. And let’s say the pacers have hooves made of Anti-Magic (a toxin I just made up). And let’s say one of the pacers has a gun and military training. … All that said, it’s still a friggin’ wizard! Avada Kedavra, bitches! Twelve dead-ass pacers.
MY PICK: Wizards in 6.
2. MIAMI HEAT vs. 6. BROOKLYN NETS
MY REASONING: I know people think they’re excited about this match-up, but this has all the makings of the most boring series in the history of life. A hot day, a wet net sitting on the dock slowly drying… Yaawwwwn. Wake me up next round. Seriously, how is a net supposed to stop the heat with all those holes? I just have this image of Prokhorov standing in an old boat, throwing a net into the sky trying to catch warmth. Putin, sitting nearby, telling him how stupid he looks. It’s like the cover for Hemingway’s Old Russian Man and the Sea. Wake up, Brooklyn! Get your nickname game up! The heat is going to win this in a slow-paced, dragged out, boring fashion.
MY PICK: Heat in 5.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. SAN ANTONIO SPURS vs. 5. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
MY REASONING: I feel like this is another tricky match-up. Mostly because the idea of a spur is dumb. They can’t do anything! They’re lucky they played a horse last time. A trail blazer won’t be so silly though. A trail blazer isn’t going to try and eat the spur then choke to death on it. A trail blazer might even use the spur to help them blaze trails. Look for the trail blazers to use the spurs against themselves and lead a trail to Victory-ville. They’re going to be all like, “Why are you spurring yourself, why are you spurring yourself, why are you spurring yourself?” Classic.
MY PICK: Trail Blazers in 6.
2. OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER vs. 3. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
MY REASONING: And now for the marquee matchup! A bunch of sound waves versus some quick-moving ships. I don’t even know how to get these two things to be in the same place for a fight. The interesting thing is that thunder usually comes with rain and lightning. That would definitely sink a ship, but they’re called the OKC Thunder, not the OKC Storm. Hurricanes or Typhoons would also work. At the same time, what can a ship do to the sound of thunder? Can anything undo thunder? Maybe if there were a team called the Boise Low Pressure Systems they’d have to be more afraid. This is a hard one. If I had to get technical, sound waves created by thunder could push the sails of a clipper ship, making it go faster. So the idea of thunder could lift a clipper’s sails. I’m aware of how weak this analysis is, by the way. I apologize, but I was dealt a lousy pairing.
MY PICK: Clippers in 7.
Okay, that’s that. And I’ll probably get all four right because I have a Masters in Amazing.
If you have any concerns or questions about this article feel free to ask them with an electronic mail… Anthony@WorstShowOnTheWeb.com
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