So even though I’m on paternity leave from the podcast, I’m trying to pitch in where I can. Which is why this is about to happen…
I’m picking the NBA Playoffs! Here’s the catch, I’m basing my picks solely on the team’s nicknames. For example, if the Detroit Pistons were playing the New Orleans Pelicans, I would make my pick based on a fight between a piston and a pelican. Understand the rules? Let’s go. ROUND 1!!
1. INDIANA PACERS vs. 8. ATLANTA HAWKS
MY REASONING: Honestly, what the hell is a pacer? Is it a guy who runs in an even-keeled manner? Hold on, I just asked my best friend the Internet and it’s saying that a pacer is a horse trained to have a distinctive lateral gait in which both legs on the same side are lifted together, used in some types of racing. A hawk, meanwhile, is an awesome bird of prey. I’ve seen hawks turn smaller birds inside out. I’d pet a horse, even ride one, but I’m not messing with a hawk. The way this goes down is the hawk pokes out the pacer’s eyes and then the confused horse runs head first into a tree and knocks itself out. Then the hawk picks up the horse and takes it to its nest to feed to its hawk babies.
MY PICK: Hawks in 6.
2. MIAMI HEAT vs. 7. CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
MY REASONING: Okay, this is an interesting matchup because “heat” can be so many different things. For the purpose of this exercise I’m going to say that heat does NOT include fire. Otherwise they’d be called the Miami Fire (which is something they should look into). So let’s find out how a Bobcat would do on a really hot day. Based on my extensive knowledge of bobcats (I just read a Wikipedia page), they don’t seem to be bothered by normal heat. They live all over, as far north as Canada and as far south as Mexico. BUT according to the page they do most of their moving around shortly after sunrise and a bit before sunset. They usually rest during the high sun hours. That information and the fact that they have fur all over their bodies makes me feel like they won’t win this battle. The hottest day on record in North America (where most bobcats live) is 134 degrees Fahrenheit. Even I would lose to the heat on that day. So sorry Charlotte, pick a better animal next time.
MY PICK: Heat in 5.
3. TORONTO RAPTORS vs. 6. BROOKLYN NETS
MY REASONING: Now before you say, “Hey, Anthony aren’t you a huge Raptor fan who was born and raised in the amazing city of Toronto?” You should know that I’m serious about this silly game that I created. So let’s take an honest look at how the incredibly advanced velociraptor would do against some woven strings. People in Brooklyn probably think that a net thrown onto a raptor would entangle it and make it fall. They’d probably cite some scene from Jurassic Park 3. Well, I’d say that never happened in Jurassic Park 3, it happened in Jurassic Park 1. Jurassic Park 3 was the movie where the raptors were talking to each other in some kind of evolved raptor language. And besides, those nets had to be thrown by someone to catch the raptors. So unless Brooklyn changes their name to the Brooklyn Nets Thrown by Employees of InGen, then I’m sorry to say they have no chance.
MY PICK: Raptors in 7.
4. CHICAGO BULLS vs. 5. WASHINGTON WIZARDS
MY REASONING: So this is an interesting matchup. So many questions. What kind of wizard is it? Is Neville Longbottom in first year potions? Or is it Gandalf the White? Does the bull get the drop on the wizard or do they see each other first? For the sake of fairness let’s say that they see each other and let’s agree that the wizard is a mid-level wizard. It’s Harry Potter in Goblet of Fire. All that said, it’s still a freaking wizard! Wingardium leviosa, bitches! Watch that bull float away.
MY PICK: Wizards in 6.
1. SAN ANTONIO SPURS vs. 8. DALLAS MAVERICKS
MY REASONING: What’s cool about this matchup is that spurs were made to make horses go faster. And mavericks are horses. This is a conundrum. So let’s play it out. A maverick and a single spur are placed in the Terror Dome. The maverick trots around doing its thing while the spur sits on the ground doing nothing. Eventually the maverick will get hungry and try to eat the spur. The maverick chokes on the spur and dies. Spurs wins. I think that’s pretty much how it would go down.
MY PICK: Spurs in 5.
2. OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER vs. 7. MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
MY REASONING: So thunder is just a big booming sound. Scary, true, but there’s nothing else to it. Luckily for the people in Oklahoma City, grizzlies are just stupid bears. They know very little about meteorology. When they hear thunder they probably think that the bear gods are mad at them. Which is why they seek shelter when they hear it. They run and hide. Okay, honesty time. I’m not a bear expert. So I can’t say for sure if they believe in bear gods or if bears are atheists or even agnostic. For all I know, it could just be that they’ve learned over thousands of years that thunder is usually followed by rain so they should get indoors. Either way, when they hear thunder, it’s run-and-hide time. So sorry, Memphis. Storm’s a-comin’.
MY PICK: Thunder in 6.
3. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS vs. 6. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
MY REASONING: Okay, again, not sure what this nickname is all about. Forgive my ignorance, but I didn’t know what a “clipper” was until just now. I thought clippers were those things for cutting hair. Based on the old San Diego Clippers logo, I think in this case, the clippers are all about fast-moving boats. So we’ve got a bunch of warriors taking on a bunch of un-manned sailing vessels. I really wish the clippers would consider a name-change because this won’t ever bode well for them. Ever. Now I see why they’ve been losing for the last 35 years. I really like this Clipper team, but they have no shot in this deadly game of nicknames.
MY PICK: Warriors in 7.
4. HOUSTON ROCKETS vs. 5. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
MY REASONING: I’ll be honest. I have no idea how to handle this matchup. Trailblazers are people who make trails and paths for others to follow. Rockets are guided explosive devices. I guess at first blush I’d say that a rocket would incinerate a person who was trying chop his way through some tough brush. Hmm. Maybe that was easier than I thought it was going to be.
MY PICK: Rockets in 5.
Okay, those are my first round picks. I’ll probably get all of them right because I used science. See you in the second round!
If you have any concerns or questions about this article feel free to ask them with an electronic mail… Anthony@WorstShowOnTheWeb.com